faboo mama

Okay…I know I shouldn’t post that headline, but 1) it does make me laugh and 2) when you read what’s below you’ll even say, “What’s with these crazy white bitches?”, even if you’re a crazy white bitch yourself.

Can you say overboard? Ha!

Last night, I was reading Me, Myself and Eye and I saw a post titled The Blair Witch Mother. I kinda glanced at it, but had planned on ignoring it when I realized it was about Lisa Whelchel of The Facts of Life. Most of you may know that Ms. Whelchel is born again and has spent the last decade or so touring the country testifying. I don’t knock her for that, I still don’t get the born again thing (I’ve never heard of that in my black Baptist and Methodist churches) and it just sounds like she got some Christ-fever going on. Can’t fault her for that.

On one of my birth club boards, there’s a lady who seriously scares the bejesus out of me. This is a person who uses crazy-ass James Dobson’s books as parenting guides. (For those who are lucky enough not to know about this crazy mofo one of his tips to raise tough boys: “He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.” In my world, we call that “child abuse”. And this a nutjob who dares slurs gays with the pedophile tag. Fucker.) When she tells us how she disciplines her kids, I want to call Child Protective Services so bad it’s not even funny. I’ve had to stop visiting the site because sooner or later…okay, sooner I was going to tell this crazy white bitch off.

So, when I saw Sister Toldja’s post on Whelchel, the part that caught my eye was:

“Having a struggle at bedtime? Try this: Next time you’re dealing with the usual bathroom trips, cups of water, giggling, and talking, call off bedtime. Declare, ‘Nobody has to go to bed tonight!’ Inform them that they may stay up as long as they like—the operative words being stay up. Then have each child stand still in the middle of a separate room of the house.”

Say what? I had to scroll back up. What is this? A joke right? It has to be a joke. Turns out Whelchel has written a book on parenting titled Creative Correction and in there she give tips on how to discipline your kids and raise them to be good little foot soldiers in God’s Army.

World o’ Crap shares a post with us:

In addition, Whelchel offers the following: “For lying or other offenses of the tongue, I ’spank’ my kids’ tongues. I put a tiny drop of hot sauce on the end of my finger and dab it onto my child’s tongue. It stings for a while, but it abates. (It’s the memory that lingers!)”

Well cut my legs and call me shorty!  That’s fucked up.  I mean beyond fucked up.  In saner parts of our world, that’s called ‘torture’.  I do everything possible not to have to spank my children and there is no way I’m going to “spank their tongues” with hot sauce.

A book reviewer mentions several disturbing “tips” in the books, one that Sister Toldja mentioned in her post”

Whelchel advises readers to give their children ridiculous commands in public which they must instantly obey without asking any questions, while refusing them permission when they make requests which Whelchel herself admits are perfectly legitimate. She writes: ‘As we walk along together shopping, I will suddenly give them silly commands that they must obey without arguing, such as ‘Walk backward,’ or ‘Stop and touch your toes,’ or ‘Give me a kiss.’ Occasionally I’ll throw in a real command, like ‘Don’t touch that,’ or ‘No, you may not have an Icee.’ My favorite curve, however, is to say no to some reasonable request, like ‘May I go to the bathroom?” (p. 138)

THUD.

Her “favorite curve” is to deny letting her children take care of a body function?  What the hell is that?  How much does she hate kids?  I mean, I don’t particularly like children, but damn, if my kids need to pee, I’ll let them pee.  My daughter does this thing when we go out, we sit down at the table, order our food and no matter how long it takes to get our food or if she has just gone to the bathroom, guaranteed the moment the food is set down, my kid needs to pee.  Sometimes I’ll make her wait a minute or two to make sure everything is settled, but I could never tell her ‘no’.  Hmmm, maybe if I “spank her tongue” she’ll stop asking…something to think about.

The thing that kills me is that if you go to Whelchel’s site, the suggestions are logical and normal-like:

Forgetting to feed a pet? Try putting her lunch money or lunch bag in a box next to the pet’s cage. That way, your youngster won’t get to eat unless his pet eats first.

Sloppy schoolwork? Buy a printing or cursive workbook from your local teachers supply store. Then ask your child, “What takes longer: a report done neatly in 15 minutes or one you’ve sped through in 10 that must be redone and warrants a page of handwriting practice?”

Toddler independence? If your little one balks at holding your hand while in a parking lot or crossing the street, give him a choice. Remind him, “I can either hold your hand or hold your hair.” Independence isn’t quite so appealing on those terms.

Okay, these aren’t exactly good, but you have to admit they’re more normal than the hot sauce thing.  Over at Amazon, one reviewer posted more Whelchel’s child abuse ideas:

Lisa recommends:
–blindfolding children for an hour if they roll their eyes
–handcuffing quarreling siblings together
–putting quarreling siblings outside, whether it’s 30 degrees or 100 degrees
–making a child wear boxing gloves all day long for hitting; they are not to be removed for eating; as if this isn’t enough torture, she recommends videotaping the child trying to eat popcorn with the boxing gloves. This might be appropriate in the context of a family game night, but not in the context of humiliation and punishment.
–burning a few of the child’s toys if a child is caught playing with matches (what about putting the matches out of reach or doing some standard fire-safety education?)
–pinching a child’s tongue with a clothespin for disrespect
–pouring hot sauce on a child’s tongue
–saying “no to reasonable requests such as ‘may I go to the bathroom’” in the name of keeping children on their toes in terms of obedience
–restraining a one year old in a car seat if the child won’t stay in time out (time out is not appropriate for one year olds to begin with, and, with any child, if time out is not “working,” change your strategy– don’t restrain them!)
–making children stand in the center of the room for a long period of time if they are resisting bedtime (”make it tough” she says)
–making a child close the door quietly, like 100 times, for slamming a door

Those are only a few examples. Lisa also takes Scriptures from Proverbs and turns them into physical punishments. It’s almost as if she flipped through Proverbs looking for Scriptures she could use as physical punishments. And we wonder why an estimated 80% of Christian kids are leaving the faith in college? There is a connection there.

When I was a kid I got spanked.  A lot. My mother’s idea of fun was waking us up at 4am on a Saturday morning and making us clean the house top to bottom because company was coming.  Then around 3pm, she’d joke that she make it up to get it us to clean.   Two weeks after I moved out of the house (first time I got kicked out), my mother called my dorm room at 4:30am asking me where one of her fugly scarves were.  Then she said, “I’ll come by to get you so you can look for it.”  You know my ass stayed in bed.  Fuck that.

My mother has devoted her adult life to acting a fool and being a straight up crazy high yellow bitch.  I do not talk to her at all.   A few months after I had my daughter, I picked up some stuff from my mother’s place.  She said, “Oh, grandmother told me you had a kid. You should all come by so I can see her.”  Like that was going to happen.  I nodded and sped a way.  I didn’t see or hear from her for another two years and that was at my grandmother’s funeral.  She managed to ignore both my husband sitting next to me and my daughter on my lap to tell me some stupid bullshit story…I ain’t never getting those 2 minutes back.

I am 35 years old and I haven’t willingly spoken to my mother for 13 years.  My sister didn’t speak to her for a long time, until her current husband practically forced her to.  My brother doesn’t willingly speak to my mother either.  This is the road that Whelchel is travelling.  She’ll be like my mother a lonely, bitter woman with not even her kids willing to speak to her just because her glee in torturing defenseless children outweighed their need for a burden-free childhood.

The Speaking of crazy white bitches by faboo mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.