faboo mama

In 2002, I joined a birth club board for people due with babies in May 2003. For 7 months, we went through the ups and downs of pregnancy. Some of us had our babies early (mine was born in April) some went beyond their due dates, hanging on until June. At the end, the due date boards of May, June, July and August were rolled into one board. Naturally, as many of us were new mothers, the demands of a new baby forced many women to leave. Typical internet drama forced others off. Still no matter what, there are times that people drop in with news or questions. Autism was a big concern. Some babies were diagnosed as early at 8 months. The kids are turning 5 this year and some are still being diagnosed.

Some time in ‘04, I joined two other birth club boards and other moms were announcing that their kids, sons usually, were being diagnosed with autism. I read what they had to say and did my own reading since I was not clear on what exactly autism was. The Autism Society has a website that goes far to educate the general public on autism.

Autism is a complex developmental disability that typically appears during the first three years of life and affects a person’s ability to communicate and interact with others. Autism is defined by a certain set of behaviors and is a “spectrum disorder” that affects individuals differently and to varying degrees. There is no known single cause for autism, but increased awareness and funding can help families today.

They also have a list of behaviours that will help you determine whether a physician’s help was needed:

Autism is treatable. Children do not “outgrow” autism, but studies show that early diagnosis and intervention lead to significantly improved outcomes.

Here are some signs to look for in the children in your life:

• Lack of or delay in spoken language
• Repetitive use of language and/or motor mannerisms (e.g., hand-flapping, twirling objects)
• Little or no eye contact
• Lack of interest in peer relationships
• Lack of spontaneous or make-believe play
• Persistent fixation on parts of objects

The list made me curious as to how some of these parents decided to have their doctors test the kids. When she was around 2, my daughter had 5 of these 6 traits. It made me very concerned that kids as young as 8 months were being diagnosed since some of these behaviours were normal or impossible in 8 month olds. That’s when I learned a bit more about the spectrum. Reading about the spectrum is enough to send any parent into a frenzied state of worry. Last year, I found that a lot of the behaviours listed in some of the spectrums are exhibited by my son. Naturally, I spoke to his pediatrician and she ran a few test. She said that he was not autistic, but we have an appointment in June to revisit the issue just in case. Therefore, I tend to keep abreast of new studies and treatments in austism.

Many of the women on my birth club boards with autistic children, have something that I lack: healthcare. They are able to get their children to autism specialists. If either of my children are diagnosed with autism, I wouldn’t know where to turn. So, I direct my energies in helping these women get their representatives on board with changing and enacting legislation. There is also the obvious fact that as a black person in America, the healthcare I receive will be substandard compared to what my (white) husband would get. Wanda Brown wrote an article detailing the Disparties Among African-Americans with Autism.

There are clear racial disparities in healthcare and special education, parents and caregivers must help arrest to ensure a brighter future for our loved ones with autism.

Studies have consistently reported negative biases toward minorities in the areas of diagnosis and treatment.

Black autistic children were diagnosed later, received more misdiagnoses than Whites, and were more likely to be misdiagnosed as having organic psychoses, mental retardation, or selective mutism.

Clinicians may interpret autism symptoms differently in children of different races.

African-Americans are less likely than Whites to see the same doctor over time. A pediatrician who treats a child over time may recognize autism sooner than others may.

April is Autism Awareness Month and I’ve chosen to use my blog to spread the message. If this urges one more parent to get their child tested, then I’ve done my job. You can always donate to many autism foundations. So why don’t you join Autism Speaks on April 26th at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena for a walkathon? Or…You can buy a shirt celebrating this month:

Autism Awareness Month
by

KCGraphics

Get this custom shirt
at Zazzle

We attended the Cherry Blossom Festival in Little Tokyo yesterday. It was a lot bigger and more fun that I expected. Kudos to the organizers of the event. As usual, with things like this in Los Angeles, it emcompassed all of Asia (though Indians were not represented at all), so we got to see things from all along the Pacific.

We started out our morning in the Plaza. Our original plan was to have get some coffee and pastries from Homeboy Bakeries but they were closed. So we wound up in the Japanse Plaza at the bakery there. BTW, they had surprising good coffee and the baked goodies we got were tasty. While we had our coffee, we sat outside the shop and watched this group. I guess they’re jazz singers and usually they’d be using a piano…I don’t know, I hadn’t had my coffee when they were introduced. Anyway, later on in their set, they sang Sukiyaki but the original Japanese song. I know some of the Japanese, but I know the English like everyone else. My husband asked me, “What is this song?” I was shocked. Mr. Music didn’t know this song? “It’s Sukiyaki!”. He looked at me, “How do you know that? See, I told you you know everything.” Whatever.

Something totally unexpected and random, Red Hat Society singing on stage. Yes. You read that right. I have pictures if you don’t believe me. We walked around, everyone and their brother were giving away trips to Hawaii. There was a section for kids with bouncy thingies. We watched a Hawaiian group play. Ilia liked that because she has a ukelele too. The kids made Chinese lanterns, something that took a lot longer than expected. There were quite a few tables set up for kids. They could learn origami, do a fish kites, paint a pet rock or make a lantern.

We walked around a bit, and looked for lunch. That should have been an easy task, but most of the places we usually eat at were closed. We wound up at an okay place, but $1.50 Kirin on tap. How could we not? Really? After lunch, we went to rejoin the crowds on the street. We caught the tailend of the Kabuki dancer.

Ilia loved it, but Alton did not enjoy the music. Then we went on the other side of the stage to see the Geisha dancers:

We also got a chance to watch the Japanese groups (I call them dance crews, since I’ve never seen them do anything but dance) do a dance in a circle. There were 4 “crews” and random people in a circle doing a dance who’s name is escaping me right now. It’s always fun to watch and it was even better to see more people under the age of 60 involved.

My little girl just loved all the dancing and the music. She wants a taiko, she wants a kimono, she wants to learn hula and kabuki. She wants to learn Japanese! That she wants to broaden her horizons and learn more about the world means the weekend was a success.

Last night was Ilia’s 3rd ballet recital. It was a close call, as the instructor couldn’t get into the room. Luckily, one mom has a background in breaking and entering and we got inside the church. Okay, not really…she just tried the door and it opened.

Ilia was really excited about last night, not only would she get to dance to 2 songs from The Wizard of Oz, but she would get to wear a brand new dress.

They started off with warmups and that spinning thing. This time Ilia actually moved across the room and didn’t get stuck spinning in one place.

One of the most annoying things…cellphones. You’d think that in this day and age grown folks would know better than to go into a recital with their damn cellphone on, let alone freakin’ answering it. Yes. That’s right. One of the people in there, not only had a stupid music ringtone, that she took forever to get to (4 rings), but instead of shutting off the phone, she answered it. I wanted to just kick her chair over.

They started out with the theme song to the Backyardigans. That was kind of weird because the opening has dancing, so you’d sorta expect to see the kids doing that dance or something similar. I’m sure they all know it by heart.

They did Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious (which I spelled from memory, thank you very much!) from Mary Poppins. In this one, Ilia clearly decided to do what she wanted to do. OMG, they did this really annoying song from Cinderella. I realized then, that I’ve never seen the Cinderella movie and this song pretty ensured that I never will.

Then they did the Grandma Mambo, which always cracks me up:

There was some issues during the recital. One little girl pretty much kept the whole place hostage to her drama. At first she was scared of the Wizard of Oz sign and ran off the stage. Then it was moved and she came back up, only to try to run off again because she wanted to wear her Dorothy costume. Sigh. Then there was the bathroom drama in between, which sorta snowballed into everyone having to go to the bathroom. I knew Ilia was going to say she had to go soon, but there was no way I was having that nonsense.

Finally, they did their Wizard of Oz songs:

And here’s the class:

My little boy totally fascinates me. He talks a bit and the randomness of it is hilarious. He also absolutely adores his big sister and acts like any time she’s away from more than 2 mintues is too long. Luckily for me, they play well together. This video is a little long for what it is, but it’s just a slice of my daily life.

We met Kat today at the Huntington Library with her kid and goddaughter. We got our photo together that we managed not to do last week:

And we got some great photos of all the kids together.

You’ll note that my son seems to be the only one interested in taking the photo. Kat kept saying, “He’s a supermodel.” and while the cameras were up, Alton was posting. I actually got two photos of KidKat facing us. The other photos he’s crawling away.

Here’s the second try:

Much better. You may now move around the cabin.

And moved they did. Or didn’t. Alton alternated between running way too far ahead or lagging way too far behind. Especially when he got his pan dulce. Talk about lagging. People we had passed yards ago, were lapping us as Alton dawdled. KidKat either wanted or didn’t want to be in the stroller. Meaning if he said he wanted to be in the stroller, that really meant he didn’t. Kids just love playing those headgames.

Kidwise, or should I say, Iliawise, it’s been a rough week for us. We are thisclose to putting her ass on craigslist or eBay. Done. She’s been the perfect little brat and today was no exception. Katdaughter had walked away and Ilia wanted to tag along. I asked her to sit down so I could get a photo and she said she didn’t want a photo:

She wasn’t lying. I took 4 freaking pictures and this is the least morose one. She’s acted like I asked her to eat beets. At least I got a cute photo of Alton and KidKat checking out the lake:

You can see more photos of our trip to the Huntington Library’s Botanical Gardens in my flickr pool. Since everyone was hungry and the kids needed a nap, we headed out without seeing most of the property. That’s okay, since I got my free tickets for next month and most of the succulents I want to shoot will most likely be in fuller bloom or just starting to bloom then.

Okay…I know I shouldn’t post that headline, but 1) it does make me laugh and 2) when you read what’s below you’ll even say, “What’s with these crazy white bitches?”, even if you’re a crazy white bitch yourself.

Can you say overboard? Ha!

Last night, I was reading Me, Myself and Eye and I saw a post titled The Blair Witch Mother. I kinda glanced at it, but had planned on ignoring it when I realized it was about Lisa Whelchel of The Facts of Life. Most of you may know that Ms. Whelchel is born again and has spent the last decade or so touring the country testifying. I don’t knock her for that, I still don’t get the born again thing (I’ve never heard of that in my black Baptist and Methodist churches) and it just sounds like she got some Christ-fever going on. Can’t fault her for that.

On one of my birth club boards, there’s a lady who seriously scares the bejesus out of me. This is a person who uses crazy-ass James Dobson’s books as parenting guides. (For those who are lucky enough not to know about this crazy mofo one of his tips to raise tough boys: “He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.” In my world, we call that “child abuse”. And this a nutjob who dares slurs gays with the pedophile tag. Fucker.) When she tells us how she disciplines her kids, I want to call Child Protective Services so bad it’s not even funny. I’ve had to stop visiting the site because sooner or later…okay, sooner I was going to tell this crazy white bitch off.

So, when I saw Sister Toldja’s post on Whelchel, the part that caught my eye was:

“Having a struggle at bedtime? Try this: Next time you’re dealing with the usual bathroom trips, cups of water, giggling, and talking, call off bedtime. Declare, ‘Nobody has to go to bed tonight!’ Inform them that they may stay up as long as they like—the operative words being stay up. Then have each child stand still in the middle of a separate room of the house.”

Say what? I had to scroll back up. What is this? A joke right? It has to be a joke. Turns out Whelchel has written a book on parenting titled Creative Correction and in there she give tips on how to discipline your kids and raise them to be good little foot soldiers in God’s Army.

World o’ Crap shares a post with us:

In addition, Whelchel offers the following: “For lying or other offenses of the tongue, I ’spank’ my kids’ tongues. I put a tiny drop of hot sauce on the end of my finger and dab it onto my child’s tongue. It stings for a while, but it abates. (It’s the memory that lingers!)”

Well cut my legs and call me shorty!  That’s fucked up.  I mean beyond fucked up.  In saner parts of our world, that’s called ‘torture’.  I do everything possible not to have to spank my children and there is no way I’m going to “spank their tongues” with hot sauce.

A book reviewer mentions several disturbing “tips” in the books, one that Sister Toldja mentioned in her post”

Whelchel advises readers to give their children ridiculous commands in public which they must instantly obey without asking any questions, while refusing them permission when they make requests which Whelchel herself admits are perfectly legitimate. She writes: ‘As we walk along together shopping, I will suddenly give them silly commands that they must obey without arguing, such as ‘Walk backward,’ or ‘Stop and touch your toes,’ or ‘Give me a kiss.’ Occasionally I’ll throw in a real command, like ‘Don’t touch that,’ or ‘No, you may not have an Icee.’ My favorite curve, however, is to say no to some reasonable request, like ‘May I go to the bathroom?” (p. 138)

THUD.

Her “favorite curve” is to deny letting her children take care of a body function?  What the hell is that?  How much does she hate kids?  I mean, I don’t particularly like children, but damn, if my kids need to pee, I’ll let them pee.  My daughter does this thing when we go out, we sit down at the table, order our food and no matter how long it takes to get our food or if she has just gone to the bathroom, guaranteed the moment the food is set down, my kid needs to pee.  Sometimes I’ll make her wait a minute or two to make sure everything is settled, but I could never tell her ‘no’.  Hmmm, maybe if I “spank her tongue” she’ll stop asking…something to think about.

The thing that kills me is that if you go to Whelchel’s site, the suggestions are logical and normal-like:

Forgetting to feed a pet? Try putting her lunch money or lunch bag in a box next to the pet’s cage. That way, your youngster won’t get to eat unless his pet eats first.

Sloppy schoolwork? Buy a printing or cursive workbook from your local teachers supply store. Then ask your child, “What takes longer: a report done neatly in 15 minutes or one you’ve sped through in 10 that must be redone and warrants a page of handwriting practice?”

Toddler independence? If your little one balks at holding your hand while in a parking lot or crossing the street, give him a choice. Remind him, “I can either hold your hand or hold your hair.” Independence isn’t quite so appealing on those terms.

Okay, these aren’t exactly good, but you have to admit they’re more normal than the hot sauce thing.  Over at Amazon, one reviewer posted more Whelchel’s child abuse ideas:

Lisa recommends:
–blindfolding children for an hour if they roll their eyes
–handcuffing quarreling siblings together
–putting quarreling siblings outside, whether it’s 30 degrees or 100 degrees
–making a child wear boxing gloves all day long for hitting; they are not to be removed for eating; as if this isn’t enough torture, she recommends videotaping the child trying to eat popcorn with the boxing gloves. This might be appropriate in the context of a family game night, but not in the context of humiliation and punishment.
–burning a few of the child’s toys if a child is caught playing with matches (what about putting the matches out of reach or doing some standard fire-safety education?)
–pinching a child’s tongue with a clothespin for disrespect
–pouring hot sauce on a child’s tongue
–saying “no to reasonable requests such as ‘may I go to the bathroom’” in the name of keeping children on their toes in terms of obedience
–restraining a one year old in a car seat if the child won’t stay in time out (time out is not appropriate for one year olds to begin with, and, with any child, if time out is not “working,” change your strategy– don’t restrain them!)
–making children stand in the center of the room for a long period of time if they are resisting bedtime (”make it tough” she says)
–making a child close the door quietly, like 100 times, for slamming a door

Those are only a few examples. Lisa also takes Scriptures from Proverbs and turns them into physical punishments. It’s almost as if she flipped through Proverbs looking for Scriptures she could use as physical punishments. And we wonder why an estimated 80% of Christian kids are leaving the faith in college? There is a connection there.

When I was a kid I got spanked.  A lot. My mother’s idea of fun was waking us up at 4am on a Saturday morning and making us clean the house top to bottom because company was coming.  Then around 3pm, she’d joke that she make it up to get it us to clean.   Two weeks after I moved out of the house (first time I got kicked out), my mother called my dorm room at 4:30am asking me where one of her fugly scarves were.  Then she said, “I’ll come by to get you so you can look for it.”  You know my ass stayed in bed.  Fuck that.

My mother has devoted her adult life to acting a fool and being a straight up crazy high yellow bitch.  I do not talk to her at all.   A few months after I had my daughter, I picked up some stuff from my mother’s place.  She said, “Oh, grandmother told me you had a kid. You should all come by so I can see her.”  Like that was going to happen.  I nodded and sped a way.  I didn’t see or hear from her for another two years and that was at my grandmother’s funeral.  She managed to ignore both my husband sitting next to me and my daughter on my lap to tell me some stupid bullshit story…I ain’t never getting those 2 minutes back.

I am 35 years old and I haven’t willingly spoken to my mother for 13 years.  My sister didn’t speak to her for a long time, until her current husband practically forced her to.  My brother doesn’t willingly speak to my mother either.  This is the road that Whelchel is travelling.  She’ll be like my mother a lonely, bitter woman with not even her kids willing to speak to her just because her glee in torturing defenseless children outweighed their need for a burden-free childhood.

My daughter is at that stage where so many things are “secrets”.  That means that she basically just whispers nonsense in your ear. The boy, who can’t even talk, has picked up on that and often has his own secrets to share.  It’s always the same secret.

Wanna know what it is?

Mama.  Daddy. Ya-Ya*.  Ya-Ya.  Mama.  Car. Truck. Car. Daddy. Ya-Ya.  Moon.  Car.

Absolutely riveting, ain’t it?

*Ya-Ya is what he calls Ilia. 

I’m in Claremont Village, waiting to cross the street and some guy is booming his music out of his truck. That song Back in the Day by Ahmad was on. Two kids who were about 16 walked up behind me, one guy said, “Oh shit, that’s the jam! and started singing…’Back in the day when I was young I’m not a kid any more’–”.

His friend looked at him like he was crazy, he said, “What are you talking about ‘the jam’? Not a kid? You just turned 16 asshole.”
“Yeah, but the song captures the essence of a childhood. We studied it in my music class. Remember when life was free and you didn’t have worries and stuff? And the part,

You could tell the ballers ’cause they be all wearing Gazelles
If they really had money raised be sportin BK’s
And, all the girls had they turkish link
If it broke—

(At this point, I had to follow them just to listen to (and record) the rest of the conversation.) His friend had stopped and said, “Listen, you were raised in Claremont jus—no you ARE BEING raised in Claremont just like me. I don’t know what Gazelles are. What the hell are Turkish links? Do you know? You were born in 1991. That song was probably 3 years old by the time you were born (ed note: wrong) and you’re still a white boy from a college town in the ‘burbs. Get that? There’s no ‘back in the day’! The best you can hope for is remembering when Britney Spears was hot and the first time you saw American Idol.”

Yeah, that was me rolling on the ground on 1st Street.

That’s a direct quote from Ilia. She meant ‘quesadilla’.

“Hey, watch this Alton!”

It inevitably leads to a large thud, screams and cries. Occasionally, it ends with, “Ma-MAAAAAAAAAAAA, Alton’s pulling my haaaaaaaaaaai-YER!!!!” SHRIEK and in comes Alton physically dragging the girl by her fucking hair.

Someone please tell me it gets better.